Closure.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with." 

I was a true believer in that quote. My best friend was my soul mate and my sister. We were exactly alike and different at the same time. We were friends that turned into family. Four hour conversations, spontaneous moments, dumb moments, movies, music, sleepovers, dinner - everything. She was going to be my maid of honor and godmother to my children. Hard times, disagreements, arguments, hateful words didn’t break our friendship throughout the last couple of years - it was never going to change.

but it did.

change. college. new friends. new life. new ideas. new experiences. new city. without each other.

distance wasn’t supposed to matter - we were connected. we were sisters. 

we were sisters - if I didn’t stand up for myself. if I was straight. if I followed what you said. if we talked when you wanted to talk. if it was right by you.

change. ignorance faded - truth hurts. 

No, we are not best friends anymore. Actually now, I think we’re supposed to hate each other. I wish it was easy for me to hate - without hurting at the same time.

We haven’t spoken in over a month. Our lives erased from the faces and words of each other. Completely gone. I have accepted it - but I haven’t let go of it. Not fully, anyways. No, I don’t feel that emptiness anymore and no, I don’t cry. 

I think. I remember. I miss the old you. but i absolutely hate who you are now. hate. hate. it’s hard to hate and miss the same person - when they aren’t the same person anymore.

I need closure.

So, I’m going to write two letters - one to the old best friend and one to the person I absolutely hate. With this, I can feel that I said what I had to say. Or maybe not. I just need it out of me. 

Dear old you, 

I miss you. I’m glad that at one point  in my life, you were there. I had the best times with you - literally. To the days we watched six movies in a row, walking around in the city, dreaming about our future, cooking in your house, playing card games with your mom and when we would sit on your couch for hours just talking. You had saved me from my own misery. You were there for me when no one else was. You sat there and heard me talk about him all day long, for months. No complaints. Nothing. You sang with me, danced with me. We were fools together. I miss that. But... it’s time to let you go. You’re not here anymore. You haven’t been here in over a year. This memory of you keeps the you today in my mind - which is bad because the you today is the complete opposite of you. I can’t keep doing it to myself. You would’ve missed me like I miss you now - but the new you hates me and hasn’t thought about me the way I did. So - this is my goodbye. Thanks for being there when I needed you the most. But I don’t need you anymore. 

Dear you today, 

You disgust me. You turned your back on me. You judged me when you promised you wouldn’t. You hurt me - you intentionally hurt me. You watched me - maybe not literally but I know as much as you do - you watch me crumble to pieces all the time. I let you hurt me. I let you get to me. I let you talk down to me. I let you ruin parts of this year which I shouldn’t have. You were never worth it. EVER. You made me question myself and hate myself at some points. You broke me apart so today, I am stronger. Thank you. 

Closure.