the greatest faith.

the greatest faith someone can have?

is to be gay knowing that in the bible, it's wrong but still believing that Jesus loves you.

in the bible, it says homosexuals all go to hell.

to LOVE God after READING THAT -  is just simply amazing.

the leaves are changing color.

i sat here on my bed for about three hours, creating this blog and making these posts. 

My room mate said, "I hate when the leaves change color. I mean, it's beautiful but it makes me anxious of the snow that's going to come."

I looked up and outside my window. Sure enough, some of the leaves have fallen and the leaves that were once green last week are now orange, red, and yellow. 

A week ago, these leaves were green. GREEN. today, there are different colors. These leaves are in front of my window. I looked out this window a million times a day. Why haven't I noticed that these colors change before?

Change is so subtle. It's in front of our faces, but we can never see it until the change is a big change. 

I wonder what's changing around me, that's so subtle that I don't even notice now. I wonder when I will notice.

I wonder what it is.

Closure.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with." 

I was a true believer in that quote. My best friend was my soul mate and my sister. We were exactly alike and different at the same time. We were friends that turned into family. Four hour conversations, spontaneous moments, dumb moments, movies, music, sleepovers, dinner - everything. She was going to be my maid of honor and godmother to my children. Hard times, disagreements, arguments, hateful words didn’t break our friendship throughout the last couple of years - it was never going to change.

but it did.

change. college. new friends. new life. new ideas. new experiences. new city. without each other.

distance wasn’t supposed to matter - we were connected. we were sisters. 

we were sisters - if I didn’t stand up for myself. if I was straight. if I followed what you said. if we talked when you wanted to talk. if it was right by you.

change. ignorance faded - truth hurts. 

No, we are not best friends anymore. Actually now, I think we’re supposed to hate each other. I wish it was easy for me to hate - without hurting at the same time.

We haven’t spoken in over a month. Our lives erased from the faces and words of each other. Completely gone. I have accepted it - but I haven’t let go of it. Not fully, anyways. No, I don’t feel that emptiness anymore and no, I don’t cry. 

I think. I remember. I miss the old you. but i absolutely hate who you are now. hate. hate. it’s hard to hate and miss the same person - when they aren’t the same person anymore.

I need closure.

So, I’m going to write two letters - one to the old best friend and one to the person I absolutely hate. With this, I can feel that I said what I had to say. Or maybe not. I just need it out of me. 

Dear old you, 

I miss you. I’m glad that at one point  in my life, you were there. I had the best times with you - literally. To the days we watched six movies in a row, walking around in the city, dreaming about our future, cooking in your house, playing card games with your mom and when we would sit on your couch for hours just talking. You had saved me from my own misery. You were there for me when no one else was. You sat there and heard me talk about him all day long, for months. No complaints. Nothing. You sang with me, danced with me. We were fools together. I miss that. But... it’s time to let you go. You’re not here anymore. You haven’t been here in over a year. This memory of you keeps the you today in my mind - which is bad because the you today is the complete opposite of you. I can’t keep doing it to myself. You would’ve missed me like I miss you now - but the new you hates me and hasn’t thought about me the way I did. So - this is my goodbye. Thanks for being there when I needed you the most. But I don’t need you anymore. 

Dear you today, 

You disgust me. You turned your back on me. You judged me when you promised you wouldn’t. You hurt me - you intentionally hurt me. You watched me - maybe not literally but I know as much as you do - you watch me crumble to pieces all the time. I let you hurt me. I let you get to me. I let you talk down to me. I let you ruin parts of this year which I shouldn’t have. You were never worth it. EVER. You made me question myself and hate myself at some points. You broke me apart so today, I am stronger. Thank you. 

Closure. 

Luck

I used to think I was extremely lucky. Extremely lucky that on one Friday in June, I met this random person who started the change in my life that made me who I am now. Extremely lucky that I met more people that also helped me changed into who I am. Extremely lucky that I found a place that I can call home. Extremely lucky that I met God. It still amazes me, months later, the change that I made. I can think about where I was before and where I am now, and it still dumbfounds me. It doesn't happen, right? An empty heart, now complete? A depressed teenager, now happy? A pothead, sober for months? A pessimistic view, turned into an optimistic view? A life that would've eventually lead to death, now a life that will one day lead to eternal life? 

With everything I just said, many people here can consider themselves lucky, right? I'm not the only life here that has drastically changed after meeting God. I'm not the only one that was once a pothead that is now sober. I'm not the only one that was once depressed that is now happy. And, I can state this with no question; I was not the only one with an empty heart that is now filled. I was once told, “That doesn't happen, people just get lucky, like you.”

In the dictionary, luck is defined as 'good fortune; advantage or success, considered as the result of chance.' With the first part of the definition, 'good fortune',  is what I believe God is. He is an amazing fortune. I don't mean fortune as in wealth, money or riches. If I were to use the word riches, it would be like being rich in the holy spirit. In the second part of the definition, that states, 'advantage or success', I can correlate that with God also. God is a definite advantage in my life. The advantage of having God in our lives, we know that our lives are set. We're good for life and after. The last part of the definition is 'as the result of chance'.

I looked at this and I couldn't think of anything that could correlate this with God. Chance? Chance is like winning the lottery. It's something that probably wont happen, but because one was lucky, it happened. You were chosen, at random, to receive something of good fortune. It could be money, a new house, whatever the case may be. It wasn't something you deserved and it wasn't something you earned. At random, your name was picked out of a hat and you got lucky. 

I don't think I'm lucky anymore. My life drastically changed because of God? Amazing yes, but definitely not luck. God didn't put your name in a hat and picked you out and said, 'Oh well, because I picked her name out , I'm going to go ahead and change her life today.' He didn't pick you at random. He didn't pick me at random. No, I don't deserve Him and He wasn't something I earned.  It doesn't happen 'just because'. He doesn't pick out a few people. God picks everyone. He picked each and every one of us. That's not called luck.  So I don't think I'm lucky anymore. My life drastically changed? Your life drastically changed? It's by the grace of God, and nothing more than that.